We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
