Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
