turn off your phone and go to bed
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
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Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
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My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!