Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ