I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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