I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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