something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
