Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
