Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
