i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
