Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
