worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
