What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
