Plan B is the new Plan A
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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