I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
