yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
