why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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