That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
