Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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