When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
