remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
