Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
