She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
