It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I intend to get homeless drunk
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
