i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
