Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
