He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
