There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
