When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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