Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just gift wrapped bread.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
