Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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