why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
