you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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