no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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