i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
