Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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