he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize