this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
