I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
