Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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