I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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