My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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