apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
