I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
