Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
