Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
