yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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