You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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