I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
