I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
