Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
