just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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