i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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