Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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