Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
