The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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