I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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