hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
