the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
