can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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