Need sex. Gaining weight.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
